Weekend MOA retreat

Tomorrow Chris and I are going away for a weekend retreat to meet other Mothers of Angels (and dads) , who I have met online. These ladies have helped me so much over the last year. They have kept me sane, helped me to laugh again and supported me on those dark days when you just need to talk with someone who understands.

Im really looking forward to putting faces to names and being able to have a weekend where we can all chat about our children and honour their lives with memory sharing, a balloon release and a candle lighting ceremony.

I am taking the girls scrapbook album, little dolls and bears to share with everyone, even though everyone knows my story it will be nice to share it again! Ive also packed lots of tissues as Im sure there will be lots of crying and even quite a bit of laughter ;)

A big thankyou to everyone who has organised the retreat, Im sure we will have a wonderful time.

Charlotte and Marianne's Quilt

I wanted to make a quilt for Charlotte and Marianne in the same fabric that I made their little sign, that I displayed at their funeral, and I finished it for their first birthday in November. It is in the Kaleidoscope pattern in pink and purple heart fabric (of course!), green heart fabric for the little 'butterfly' accents and a pale green print for the inner border. It's taken ages for me to photograph it.... but here it is. 

It is approx 150cm square, so the perfect size for me to snuggle into when I want to feel close my girls.

Thoughts Needed

A fellow babylost mummy has had some 'not so good' news at her recent ultrasound and Im sure she is now holding her breath for her next doctors appointment.

Please hold her in your thoughts (or prayers), I know I will be.

Stick little baby... we all want to meet you later in the year.

Angel Pillows

I have been keeping myself busy over the last few months making pillows for baby angels. Ive sent them to parents Ive met (mainly online) as a momento for their child.

The latest one is for a little girl Charlotte (another Charlotte born to a Kathryn) who lived for a few days. Her parents chose elephants as her animal so I hunted for suitable fabric. Cute elephant fabric is not in fashion so it was hard to find something suitable, but Im really happy with the end result.

 Here are some of the other angel name pillows I have made.

In limbo

After our girls died I read about a lady who said she felt like she was in-between two worlds. That of a lady who has never had children and that of a mother with her children around her. Because she had carried a child, given birth to a child, was a mother - yet did not have her child and was seen as a non-mother by the rest of the world. This is how I felt for ages.

Now Im in-between two other worlds. That of a someone trying for a baby and that of someone who has achieved pregnancy. I am not pregnant and I am not trying for a baby (because without IVF I can not get pregnant, so Im currently in limbo till our new cycle in March) - Im in limbo trapped between these two worlds, wanting to be in one and desperate to move quickly into the other.

I hope that 2010 is my year.... please

Farewell 2009

Today is the last day of 2009 and tonight is the second New Years Eve without my beautiful daughters Charlotte and Marianne.

Last year I was unable to celebrate at all. I don't really remember exactly how I was, how I survived. I should have been nearly 32 weeks pregnant - fat, lying in a swimming pool surviving the heat. I do know that I cried alot and went to bed early - only to wake up in the morning... I never wanted to wake up in those early days. I still often wish I didn't wake up some mornings.

This year I am getting together with a few close friends. Im not sure how much 'celebrating' I will be doing, but Im sure I will have some fun. Does having fun make you feel like you are betraying your dead child/children? I find now when Im having fun, I catch myself and feel so guilty. I know I don't have to be sad all the time. I know I can still honour my daughters and start enjoying my life again - It is just so hard.

I really thought I would be pregnant again by now. Not getting pregnant from embryos from the girls batch has really set me back in my grief journey. I have found myself retreating back into myself. How long will I feel like this?

I dont really have dreams and wishes anymore - mainly because my deepest wish will NEVER EVER happen. But Id like to hope that in 2010 I will get pregnant again (of course it goes without saying that getting pregnant includes having a healthy live baby who comes home with me!) and have a little brother or sister who I can tell all about their "little" big sisters and how brave they were.

: : : : : : :

Charlotte and Marianne
I wish your were here with me and your daddy. We still miss you so much and always will. Please visit me in my dreams so I know you are ok.
All my love Mummy

Nothing to say... just mad ramblings from my brain.

I feeling quite flat these days.

I boycotted christmas, which made for a lovely day - just Chris and I at home by ourselves. No family. No presents. No pretending to be happy.

I want this year to be over, I want it to be March when we are doing our next IVF round.

I want my children back.

FET #9... Blood Test

Although I already knew this cycle was a bust, I still went in for my blood test today. Of course it was negative!

I am totally devestated.

What about me?

I belong to a wonderful forum, of very supportive woman, all of whom have lost a baby or babies (and I know a few of you read this) but Im feeling a little left behind. So many of them are pregnant now. Ladies whos children died around the same time as mine - are pregnant. Ladies whos children died after mine - are pregnant.

Don't get me wrong because I am so very happy and excited that they have managed to get pregnant again and will have the chance to parent a living child but I am just so jealous because I wish it was me.

Im so annoyed that I have so much trouble getting pregnant. My ultimate dream is to wake up one day, realise I haven't had AF for ages, take a test and be pregnant, If only it was that easy!

This journey

Im in a weird place on this journey.

Just after Charlotte and Marianne died I wsas obsessed with reading other peoples stories. Ive read so many books, scoured the internet for stories of other parents and their children. I needed to know I wasn't alone.

Now when I read the story of newly bereved parents, talking about the death of their child - I just cry and often cannot continue reading. I am so sad that more parents are starting this horrible journey.

Why does this keep happening? Why do babies continue to die?